Friday, May 29, 2015

Help, I've fallen!

Oh hey guys... Is anyone still here?

Well I wouldn't blame you if you weren't. I haven't exactly been on top of maintaining this or my health as of late. I am going to give you first a rundown update. I am usually one who really tries to stay positive, or at least look positive, even or most especially when I am feeling negative. But I feel like I need to be real and honest.

I just can not seem to pull myself together to stay on track. it is basically the story of my life. See, I have this tendency to make plans, have it all laid out, I'll even do some prep work, and maybe do real good for a few days and then WHABAM! 9 months fly by and I am sitting here eating pizza being lazy and unproductive. Granted, I did take on a full time job and am still in school part time, so I am busy. The truth is, when I am not busy and have a few moments to myself, the last thing I want to do is go have a workout or do some meal prep or planning. Everything is on the go, what is convenient, and what feels good after a long stressful day. I haven't taken my Insulite labs pills, they are sitting in my cupboard begging my ovaries to give them another chance. I hadn't had my period in probably about 5 months and just had it about a month ago. I think I've gained about 10-15 more pounds, I feel more stressed about life and work, I am tired, I criticize myself too much, and I have not done very much at all in the way of doing better. I am not doing good folks, not doing good at all.

On top of it, I am disappointed in myself for not sticking to it, for not being persistent, and for not getting back on track quicker than 9 months later. The thing that makes me crazy is that I KNOW what to do. I KNOW the nutritional science behind what is happening. I KNOW what I am doing is not helping. I KNOW the benefits of exercise and eating right. I KNOW if I just did it, that it would work. I am not sure why I hold myself back. Its almost like something in me does not want to go forward. I don't think I am afraid of success, but I do think I am afraid of the extra responsibilities and afraid of the pain or unknown changes that I'll have to deal with. I am way too uncomfortably comfortable where I am. I like pizza and cheese and ice cream. I like sitting on the couch and being mindless for a few hours. But I also hate it.

Whew. So there you have it. One more experience of failing and letting myself down.

But it is not the end. I still have some fight in me. There is still hope. The thing is, I can't do it on my own. I could really use some support, your support, whoever is still reading this. In a demanding sort of way, I need you to consistently tell me I can do it and give me praises when I have little victories. I feel like on the inside of me, I should be able to do it on my own. Show myself I've got power and discipline and that there is no backing down or no excuse that is valid enough to make me quit. Someday I might be able to get there, but right now I need you.

Lead into next post ---> Getting Back up

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