Help, I've fallen!

Oh hey guys... Is anyone still here?

Well I wouldn't blame you if you weren't. I haven't exactly been on top of maintaining this or my health as of late. I am going to give you first a rundown update. I am usually one who really tries to stay positive, or at least look positive, even or most especially when I am feeling negative. But I feel like I need to be real and honest.

I just can not seem to pull myself together to stay on track. it is basically the story of my life. See, I have this tendency to make plans, have it all laid out, I'll even do some prep work, and maybe do real good for a few days and then WHABAM! 9 months fly by and I am sitting here eating pizza being lazy and unproductive. Granted, I did take on a full time job and am still in school part time, so I am busy. The truth is, when I am not busy and have a few moments to myself, the last thing I want to do is go have a workout or do some meal prep or planning. Everything is on the go, what is convenient, and what feels good after a long stressful day. I haven't taken my Insulite labs pills, they are sitting in my cupboard begging my ovaries to give them another chance. I hadn't had my period in probably about 5 months and just had it about a month ago. I think I've gained about 10-15 more pounds, I feel more stressed about life and work, I am tired, I criticize myself too much, and I have not done very much at all in the way of doing better. I am not doing good folks, not doing good at all.

On top of it, I am disappointed in myself for not sticking to it, for not being persistent, and for not getting back on track quicker than 9 months later. The thing that makes me crazy is that I KNOW what to do. I KNOW the nutritional science behind what is happening. I KNOW what I am doing is not helping. I KNOW the benefits of exercise and eating right. I KNOW if I just did it, that it would work. I am not sure why I hold myself back. Its almost like something in me does not want to go forward. I don't think I am afraid of success, but I do think I am afraid of the extra responsibilities and afraid of the pain or unknown changes that I'll have to deal with. I am way too uncomfortably comfortable where I am. I like pizza and cheese and ice cream. I like sitting on the couch and being mindless for a few hours. But I also hate it.

Whew. So there you have it. One more experience of failing and letting myself down.

But it is not the end. I still have some fight in me. There is still hope. The thing is, I can't do it on my own. I could really use some support, your support, whoever is still reading this. In a demanding sort of way, I need you to consistently tell me I can do it and give me praises when I have little victories. I feel like on the inside of me, I should be able to do it on my own. Show myself I've got power and discipline and that there is no backing down or no excuse that is valid enough to make me quit. Someday I might be able to get there, but right now I need you.

Lead into next post ---> Getting Back up

New to PCOS

Some of the biggest issues I have had with PCOS so far is weight gain and anxiety. Weight gain is frustrating alone! I have gained 50 lbs in the last two years, and 40 of them have been in the last year. I was so frustrated with myself because I thought I was eating too much, being lazy, too stressed, etc. I am sure to an extent it was true, but I had no idea why it seemed like my weight was ballooning when my diet had not really changed much from previous years.

My anxiety is not just that I'm afraid of what this disorder is doing to my body, but also just anxiety in general. I have a lot of it! I am honestly not even sure how to explain my anxiety, its like an attack that happens whenever it feels like it. I think anxiety is a fairly normal emotion that we feel in life, and I wouldn't say I have severe anxiety but sometimes it does get the best of me.

Oh, and one more. I have felt so exhaustively tired! I literally have to peel myself out of bed in the mornings, and I often end up taking one to two hour naps during the day. It is so hard to want to get things done and have no energy to do it. I felt like I was nuts, and sometimes I still do. Today I feel good though, so I am going to take advantage of that! (I'm not sure if it is because fall is here and I love October or if the supplements are kicking in to improve my mood and energy, but I'll take it!)

Oh just kidding, one more: Irregular menstrual cycles. Sometimes I am not sure if I am grateful for the lack of them or worried. I honestly leaned more towards grateful, haha! But it was frustrating because I kept wondering if I was possibly pregnant or if one of my ovaries had shut down, or if I had some kind of cancer or serious problem. After missing 5 months of menstrual cycles, i decided it might be more of an issue than I thought. It also made me wonder if I was even ovulating, which having done some reseach it seems I probably am not.

Now that I have gone on complaining about my symptoms, it is time for me to figure out a plan. It is what it is, ya know? So What am I going to do about it? Because I don't want to feel like this my whole life. Maybe I will, maybe that is the trial I will have in this life. But I don't want to feel this way knowing I did nothing to try to solve it.

Having been recently diagnosed, I don't feel like I have a lot of experience with medication and diet yet. What is hard for me right now is trying to figure out what my symptoms are and if PCOS is why I am having them. I have noticed that medically, we tend to treat each symptom as if it is it's own problem. But I am beginning to wonder if all of the symptoms and struggles I have been having all go together with one culprit at the head: my health. Not just physical fitness and nutrition, but also my mental and emotional health, my social health, my spiritual health, etc. I am noticing that just like my hormones are out of balance, my life seems out of balance also. I don't think that my faith will cure me alone, I don't think friendship and support will cure me alone, I don't think medication will cure me alone, and I don't think a change in diet will cure me alone. Granted, I have a lot of sorting to do in my life to make sure I balance it all, and I may find it doesn't have as big of a difference as I think it does now but I am willing to try.

So that is where I am right now in this journey. There are many different roads I can take, and I am working on figuring out which one. I wish I could take all of them at once if it was possible, but I'd probably end up worse off than I am! Right now I am willing to try birth control (Tri-Sprintec is the one I will be taking), but I do not want to have to take it for the rest of my life. I mentioned in my about me section that my plan is to lose weight and change my lifestyle by being more active, finding new activities I enjoy, and eating better. I am hoping the birth control will help in that process, along with some supplements I am trying (D-chiro-inositol and Vitex--which I just read may partially reverse what birth control is doing... so we'll see).